The epic euro crisis disaster movie

by Robert Shrimsley

Financial Times
November 30, 2011

The deepening euro crisis is beginning to take on all the characteristics of a blockbuster Hollywood disaster movie. So this column is proud to present the first draft of the screenplay for The Charlemagne Adventure.

Opening scene: The first-class cabin of The Charlemagne, the biggest and most luxurious liner ever to set sail. A jazz band is playing Beethoven’s Ninth when a freak wave slams into the side of the boat. The screen fills with water, we hear screams and crashes. When the light returns it is clear the ship has capsized.

The Captain: Don’t panic. We hit a black swan and have capsized. We’ve sent a distress signal to the IMF, the ECB and the Chinese.

In the corner, we see a German woman. She turns to a Frenchman:
“I don’t think anyone’s coming to rescue us. This ship will sink. We’re going to need to save ourselves.”

French: I agree. (Calls to 15 others nearby.) Gather round everyone, we’re going to get out of here. I’ve got a plan; the Germans are going to pay for our escape.

German: No. If we buy a lifeboat you’ll only capsize again. We are going to work together. Now listen. We have to climb to the bottom of the ship to escape. It’s going to be dangerous and the chances are we won’t all make it.

Finn: Why not?

German: That’s how these films work, Dummkopf. We can’t all escape. Greece, I expect we’ll be losing you first, around the 20-minute mark, but it’s OK as you’re not that sympathetic a character. Portugal, you’ll be next; then Italy. Spain, you’ll go at the end just when we think we’re going to make it.

Italian to the Spaniard: This seems a bit Hanseatic to me.

More